It can't be worth it...

Today I discovered one of God's most fascinating creatures...the praying mantis. I have never had strong feelings for them until today, when a good friend of mine pointed out a particular trait I was unaware of previously. Apparently it is a common mating ritual for the female to literally eat the male...whether she does this during or after, I can't be sure. I can't wrap my head around the fact that she straight up eats him. Now THAT is rough sex...but probably not the kind the male imagined when he embarked on this fatal pursuit. Now, I had never heard this before, so I did a bit or research.

I found the above information to be true, but only in 5-31% of the cases. That's better, implying that only 5-31 times out of 100, the female goes psycho and decides to devour her partner. The research article also states that the female is more likely to eat her partner's head when she is under "stressful circumstances". Tell me- how much stress can a praying mantis honestly be under? The final conclusion made in the research article is that cannibalism occurs most often when the female is hungry. Guys, I would strongly recommend making the girl a sandwich before putting on Barry White.

I hope you have learned a valuable life lesson by studying one of God's miraculous creatures. I know I have. If I'm stressed or hungry, it is perfectly okay to resort to cannibalism.

Don't do it!! 

This should be a new ad for abstinence from sex.

Walmart: the second leading cause of heart attacks in US citizens.

If there's one place I hate going, it's Walmart. Don't get me wrong. It's probably the best place to go when you're bored with a group of friends, but not when you have things to get done before you die. Taking a trip to Walmart is a skill you must inherit through experience. You have to plan for it, and maybe even involve some of your close friends for support. This planning must involve making a list. You do not, under any circumstances, want to forget something. This particular stage in the planning process is where I always go wrong.

Have you ever had your heart broken? The moment it hits you, you can literally feel your heart sink into your chest. Your palms get clammy, the world starts spinning around you, and you can feel all your hope escaping. I get that same feeling every time I unpack my groceries only to realize that I've forgotten something essential. I had this feeling yesterday. I went to Walmart with the specific purpose of buying the supplies I would need to make my dad's birthday present. Glad to have made it back alive (though $45 had been sucked out of my wallet), I sat down on my bedroom floor and started spreading out all of the items I would need for my craft. Then it hit me. I forgot the freakin' black paint. Suddenly a montage of all my Walmart experiences started spinning through my mind. I tossed all my supplies aside in a fit of rage and decided to watch some TV instead.

This particular incident forced me to think about what it really is that makes Walmart such a tortuous place. I have narrowed it down to a few significant factors.

#1 The parking lot- My blood pressure is spiking just thinking about it. After you are finished yielding for 562 people, you can never find a spot that is any closer than North Dakota. If it's raining, just give up and go home. Then you have to make the big decision...do I park on the food side or the home side? What about in the middle? It doesn't really matter, because you always end up forgetting which door you entered, causing you to walk halfway across the parking lot anyway.

#2 The crowd- Do you remember the game Frogger? Enough said.

#3 The lines- I will NEVER understand why they have 20,000 registers (literally) and only 4 of them are opened. Really, people? What are you waiting for? How many people do you have to see standing in a line before you will open another register? There shouldn't be a high unemployment rate in the US, because clearly Walmart can has plenty of vacancies!

#4 The people- There are some sketchy people at Walmart, especially after 10pm. No matter what time you go, though, you will always see something new. A new type of mullet, a new hair color, a new (and creative) way to wear shorts. You may even see a new species.

With that said, I hope this will be a warning to you. Before to go to Walmart, please make the proper preparations. This includes an extensive list of anything you may need for the next month and a half, some hand sanitizer, hiking boots, a rifle, and a bible. Trust me, you will need every one of them.

And the best one of them all...

Can I get an Amen??

I just love Sundays! I get to go to church and spend the rest of the afternoon crossing things off my to-do list! Newspring was awesome today. We rocked out to Guns N' Roses. Perry preached about the process of salvation and challenged everyone to recall the exact moment that we accepted Jesus. When he gave the invitation, people were asked to literally walk down to the front and nail their names to the cross. Awesome! As pumped up as I usually get about the sermon, though, there is always one person sitting behind me in the distance who is a little more pumped.

Let's talk about this person for a second. I'm talking about the person who feels the need to insert his (or her) commentary every 10 minutes during a sermon. First of all, God doesn't need your affirmation. Second of all, why must you always use that same tone of voice? It sounds like you're constipated. Do you talk that way to your friends when you're having a conversation? One of them says "This vanilla ice cream is particularly good today" and you respond aggressively with "That's right!". No. You don't do that. I understand that you feel strongly about the message, but next time a simple nodding of the head will suffice. I'm sure the person you came with will be a lot less embarrassed.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I will admit that church today was definitely "Amen-worthy". If you ever want to check it out, you can watch the services live online at www.newspring.cc!!

"for all Morgan have has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23

(put your own name in there...it really was that personal)

Stag Saturday: Eat, Pray, Love!

Thanks to my psychosocial professor (and a lot of free time on the weekends), I'm now on the path to self discovery. As an attempt to learn more about myself, I am now starting "Stag Saturdays". You go on a date to learn more about the other person, so why can't you go out by yourself to learn more about you? So I put on my nice purple dress, curled my hair, did my makeup, and even sprayed some "Sensuous" perfume. I decided to go to Chili's, which is one of my favorite restaurants. The hostess literally giggled at me when I told her I needed a table for one. Really? What if I had just been dumped? She would have opened herself up for a lot more than she anticipated had that been the case. Lucky for her, though, I am embracing the fact that I am single.

Normally when I go to Chili's, I get the chicken ranch sandwich. It's pretty much the closest you can get to Jesus and still have a pulse. However, I decided to do things a little differently tonight and go with the nachos. It was a wonderful decision. I left the restaurant a little early and decided to treat myself to ice cream. Another good decision. After devouring all but the napkin I was using to hold the waffle cone, I bought my movie ticket (Eat, Pray, Love). I was sitting alone in the front row with my sour gummy worms when I noticed I was surrounded by couples. I was excited to see a middle-aged woman at the end of my row sitting by herself. I then noticed that she was about 200 pounds and was balancing a vast array of food on her lap. I refuse to believe that will be me in 20 years. Anyway, the movie was pretty good, and it was definitely appropriate for my life right now.

From now on whenever I do Stag Saturdays, I'm going to try to write about something new that I learned about myself on my "date". Tonight, for instance, I learned that I use my phone as a silence diversion. It was nearly impossible for me to sit and wait for my food without reaching for my phone. Sad, I know. I'd love to say that I will leave my phone in my car from now on, but that probably won't happen. Anyway, here are some pictures from my date!