There isn't good or bad change, only progress.

Change is such a confusing concept to me. It is something we both strive for and avoid at the same time. In today's society, we work so hard to get to the "next step", but we don't want to give up anything in order to get there.

Why is this? Why do we only embrace change when it appears to be "good"? Isn't any change good if it is part of God's plan? I'm beginning to realize that God has a different plan for my life than I do, and my idea of a good change is never not always the same as His.

These last couple of years have been one change after another. Thanks to Jesus, I've had every type of transformation and transplant imaginable (spiritually speaking, of course). Let's take a look at some of these changes.

The Good
Where do I even begin?? For starters, I was a sinner and I was forgiven. I was dead and now I'm alive. I was lost and now I'm found. There are many ways I can put it, but it all comes down to the fact that Jesus has turned my life around completely. I went from being the lonely girl who sits in the back of English class, crying into her sleeve, to the nursing student who teaches children about Jesus on Sundays and goes to sleep at night knowing that there is hope. I can trust myself with a bottle of pills now, and that's a lot more than I could say two years ago. I have amazing, Godly friends who love me unconditionally and keep me in line. I thank God every night for the amazing people He has placed in my life in such a short period of time.

The Bad
When I took up my cross and started playing "Follow the Leader" with Jesus, I never took a moment to look back and realize what I was leaving behind. I believe that our journey into becoming the person God wants us to be happens in phases. In each phase, we learn a different lesson that prepares us for the next. I also believe that before and during each phase, God equips us with the tools necessary to get through it (similar to Survivor or The Amazing Race). These tools come in the form of money, courage, circumstances, and most importantly, friendship. When I think about all of the amazing friends I have made over the last few years, I realize that each of them came into my life during a time when I needed them the most. They each helped mold me into the person that I am today, and that is what makes them such an irreplaceable part of my past. The difficult thing to realize is that once you are ready for the next phase, you don't need those tools anymore. While you still remember how invaluable they were, you must let go and trust that God will provide you with new ones. Saying goodbye to people who were once such an important part of my life is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do as a follower of Jesus.

The Ugly
Have you seen the movie "The Ugly Truth"? Well, here it is. Change is neither good nor bad. It is inevitable. God doesn't need our approval, so it really doesn't matter. What matters is that we are changing according to His will. You may see the cancer as the worst thing that's ever happened to you, but God sees it as another step. Losing that job certainly changed everything, but God has a plan. That divorce has ruined your life, but wait until you see what God has in store in the next phase. When it comes to walking with Jesus, there isn't good or bad change, there is only progress. That, my friends, is the ugly truth.

So what can we take from this? This is the part where I have to practice what I preach. I am the queen of looking back and wondering if things could be different. I wish I could go back and hand pick which of my life events I would take out and which ones I would keep if I could do it all over again. I now realize that EVERY step, every change, and every event in my life was another step toward the direction of my Savior.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Fall 2006: Taylor was still alive & Brittan wasn't a wife or a mommy yet!

I've Got a Dream

My new favorite movie as of tonight is Tangled. I realized it is a childrens' movie, but it is from this movie that came the inspiration for tonight's blog.

There is a scene that takes place in a bar full of, how do you say it, sketchy men. They sing a song called "I've Got A Dream". They take turns singing about all of the things they dream about doing one day despite all the things that are setting them back.

I realize it is just a Disney song, but at the same time I began applying it to real life.

Dreams are important. They provide us with something to work toward. They give us motivation. They are what provide us with that extra boost to get out of bed every morning. Without dreams, we would all be lost and searching for more.

Everyone has a different dream. My dream to be a nurse may sound nothing short of hell to you. At the same time, it's never been a desire of mine to win a lawsuit or produce my own film.

Why do we all have such different dreams?

I think God makes us each unique, and only He knows how to light that fire in each of our hearts. He created us each for a different purpose, wherein lies our dreams. When we align our desires with God's, the dreams we pursue will directly correlate with His purpose for our lives.

With this realization comes great responsibility. No one else can fill your spot in God's master plan. Because each of us was created for a specific purpose, no one else is equipped with the same passion, the same skills, or the same fire.

This is why we can't give up. If you have a dream, stick with it. Don't give up, even when it seems like you will never get there. The devil doesn't like for us to follow Jesus and he will throw you as many obstacles as he can. Trust that God already has everything planned out. He knows what you can accomplish for Him and He will not let anything stand in the way.

Trust God with your dreams and pursue them with all of your heart, giving God the glory every step of the way.

Studying for God's tests.

There's something I've never quite understood.

Here's how school works: someone tells you something new and then they test you on how well you can apply what you've learned. If you pass, the teacher goes onto the next lesson. Great. However, if you fail...the teacher still goes onto the next lesson.

Does that make sense to anyone? The kids who didn't learn the first time are basically screwed out of luck. Hopefully that topic will never appear later in life. What's amazing to me, though, is that God doesn't do that. Like a teacher, He also gives us lessons and tests us. When we pass, he entrusts us with another lesson. When we fail, however, He doesn't just move on. He tests us again. and again. and again.

That just blows my mind! It took me such a long time to figure this out. After years of running into the exact same problem over and over again, I finally realized that God was putting me in these situations repeatedly to see if I'd learned from the previous ones.

If we don't learn from the trials we go through, we can never move onto the next step, the next lesson, or the next test that God has planned for us. You have to pass algebra before you can move on to calculus!

So after you learn the lesson, pass a few tests, the next step is an exam. It tests your application of things that you already know. It tests to see if you remember what you learned. I like to think of my life right now as my exam. I have taken MULTIPLE tests on the same lesson, but I have yet to pass one with a grade that I would call satisfactory. I have been discouraged lately, feeling like God is giving me yet another one of these tests on the same topic. I found myself asking Him why He would do this to me again! Then I realized...I am passing this one. He had to do one final test, an exam, to make sure I could remember and apply everything.

It's no coincidence that our problems seem to follow us everywhere. God is testing us. He's pounding the knowledge into our heads in hopes that one day we will pass the test. Only when you pass one test will He begin to prepare you for another.

My life as of late.

Things have been pretty crazy lately, which explains why I haven't posted in about a month (has it really been that long??). I have been super busy with school and haven't really had a moment to breathe yet alone think of something significant to write a blog post about!

Rather than rambling about how all the areas of my life are intersecting right now, I'll satisfy my OCD and make a nice list. Here it goes.

Operation: Lose Weight
My friend Amy and I started P90X on Monday and did it all week. Proud? I am. It's the most intense workout I've ever done, but I feel so good about myself when it's over. We took before pictures and I can't wait to take my after pictures a couple months down the road and see the change! I've been trying to work the "depression weight" off for a few years now and it's finally time to put it behind me. We're only a week in, so it is going to be difficult to find the motivation every day, but that's where love and support from friends comes in!

Bible Study
I joined a new bible study a couple of weeks ago and I LOVE IT! God is doing some absolutely amazing things in my life right now, and I have never been this close to Him. Perry preached about our next steps a couple of weeks ago and that night I got on my knees and asked God to tell me what my next step was. It's amazing what He will tell you if you just ask. We are told throughout our lives that all we have to do is pray about things and it will get better. What I never realized until recently is that prayer should not be a monologue, but a dialogue as well. I've always talked to God without taking the time to listen to what He wants to tell me in return. Now that I've made a conscious effort to really communicate, He never stops speaking!

Nursing
There is nothing more important to me than knowing I am on the path that God has paved out for me. I'm at that point in my program that I am applying for summer externships and trying to get my name out there in preparation for job applications. It's crazy to think that after all of this, I will be a nurse in less than a year. I am so worried that I will not get one of the externships that I applied for, but I am trying to trust that God already knows my summer plans (and the plans for my future career, for that matter) and He has it under control. All that matters is that I do what He commands and trust that He will continue to pave the way.

Relationships
Oh boy. When I started putting myself out there and making new friends last year, I never prepared myself for all the ups and downs of friendship. I have made SO many new friends with so many amazing people, and with that comes the vulnerability that I may get hurt. Trust has always been an issue for me, which is why I have trouble realizing that just because there is disappointment and conflict doesn't mean you just quit. True friendship is about working through the conflict and coming out on the other side with a better understanding than when you entered. It's about accepting each other for who you are and being supportive even when you don't understand. With everything that has happened recently, I can't help but wonder if God is trying to teach me two lessons. One in trust and one in forgiveness.

Procrastination...

I really don't feel like studying right now, so in order to get some brain juices flowing I suppose I'll keep things up to date in regards to my life. Thursday we went to Headstart where we got to do complete physicals on around 30 kids! That was a great day. That afternoon six of the other nursing girls came over to watch A Beautiful Mind. Since we missed a clinical day due to the snow, we had to watch a psych-related movie and write a summary. At least it was a good excuse to all hang out and have fun! We ate lots of Squirms, which made it a good afternoon.

On Friday I was on the labor and delivery unit, which was AWESOME. I got to see an epidural and a vaginal delivery! Caring for those newborns right after the deliveries was such a great experience. It amazes me that I witnessed the first moments of someone's life. That baby has his entire life ahead of him. He can be anything he wants to be, go anywhere he wants to go, and do anything he wants to do. You know what the coolest part is? God already knows exactly what He's doing with that baby boy.

Friday night my friend Stephanie came up to Tiger Town! We met KD at TD's, ate some good food, and had some really great laughs! We weren't quite ready to call it an evening yet, so we stopped at Spill the Beans and ate way too much ice cream. It was great to just relax and have a good conversation with two people who mean so much to me!

Yesterday (Saturday) was a pretty amazing day. Stephanie and I woke up around 9:40, despite our efforts to sleep late. We moved our pillows and blankets to the couch and watched The Sound of Music all afternoon! Even though I had to multi-task and study for my peds test, It really was the best afternoon I've had in a while! I love The Sound of Music :). After the movie I had to get ready for my date! After trying on at least 4 different outfits and 7 shades of lipstick, I headed downtown to meet him! I had a really great time, and he exceeded all of my expectations. Basically, I can't wait until next weekend when I can see him again!

I guess I'm out of things to update, so I suppose I have to study now. Wish me luck this week with my tests (notice that was plural)!!

Silver white winters that melt into spring

I don't have anything philosophical to say in today's entry. All I can say right now is that I am perfectly, supremely, sublimely happy! Ever since Monday when I felt Jesus speak to my heart more clearly than He ever has, I have seen the world in a completely different way. I have learned to appreciate EVERYTHING that the Lord has blessed me with, which is something I always assumed I had done, but it turns out I never really have before. I lay in my bed last night and praised Jesus that I had a bed to sleep in, three blankets keeping me warm, walls and a roof to keep me safe, and somewhere meaningful to go when I wake. For reasons unknown to me, not everyone is blessed with these things. For some reason, God chose me. How ungrateful would it be for me to take these gifts and not use them for great things? For years I believed I was incapable of doing great things. I thought everyone else had something I didn't. Now I realize that it's just the opposite. I have something someone else doesn't have. The same goes for everyone. Jesus entrusts different gifts to different people, meaning that each person is just as valuable as another. If we don't use those gifts, no one else can completely fill the spot in God's plan that He reserved for each of us.

I'm sitting here cross-legged on my bed wearing my nursing scrubs and listening to the soundtrack to The Sound of Music and praising Jesus for this moment. When you truly realize that EVERYTHING comes from God, you start to appreciate even these small moments. My prayer today is that this new-found awareness never goes away.

This video pretty much sums up the fact that we don't know why God distributes blessings the way that He does, but we just have to trust that He knows what He's doing.

Out of the darkness and into the light!

For the past several years, I have been hanging out in a dark room. The walls are covered with snapshots of my past, all the things that have ever torn me down. I've spent my time hanging up new snapshots, ones I've forgotten or ones I resurfaced just to remind myself that I will never be any more than that. Occasionally I will step out into the hall for some fresh air. I will momentarily forget about this dark room I've left behind, but I always go back.

Something inside me changed today. I have stepped out of the dark room and am confidently walking down the hallway toward the brightly lit doorway at the end of the corridor. I had my psychiatric clinical today, and those few hours we spent there gave me an entirely new perspective on life. I have never seen so many troubled people in one place before. Each person had a story, a dark room that they too were hiding out in. My heart broke for them, knowing that I could not coax them out myself.

One woman's story had a particularly significant impact on me. While I can't reveal the details, I can say that as I was listening to her story, I began to realize just how much I have taken for granted in my life. Not only do I have a car to drive, an apartment to live in, and food to eat. Even more importantly, I have people who love me, a career path I'm passionate about, and my sanity. I'd been so busy hanging up snapshots of bad memories and heartache that I failed to notice the ones being hung outside in the hallway. I've created at least a year's worth of beautiful, happy, life-altering memories that I have failed to recognize up until this point.

At one point in the conversation, I asked her to tell me more about her depression. She looked at me and said "That's right, because you wouldn't know what that feels like." That comment cut straight through me like a knife. I do know what that feels like. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. For the first time in the history of my life, I was able to separate my past from my present. I was able to put my old issues aside and focus on the current issues of someone else. I was transformed from the girl who needed someone to listen to the girl who was listening to someone who needed it.

There are so many more things I could share about what I've realized today, but I've probably already lost you in this textbook of an entry! Basically, today is the day I have decided to experience joy in the new life that God has given me. I will no longer hang snapshots of my past to remind me of the hard times, but I will begin a collage of my new memories to remind me that I have a new life in Christ.