I haven't done one of these in a really long time so I decided it would be fun. It's my blog and I'll do what I want :)
1. What are three ways to win your heart?
#1 Follow Jesus.
#2 Show me that you are passionate about something.
#3 Be a good listener.
2. Do you like lightning?
Not particularly...I think it's cool, but it's scary at the same time!
3. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair?
Yes!! In elementary school Ashley and I decided that I was going to cut her hair. It ended up coming to a point in the back and I just made it worse when I tried to fix it. That never happened again!
4. Last person you said "i hate you" to?
Hmm...I don't think I use that word, but if I have used it recently I was joking or quoting someone.
5. Rain or sunshine?
Definitely sunshine!!! I love rain on days that I want to lie around and watch movies, though.
6. Last stupid thing you said to anyone?
I'm pretty much known for saying stupid things...it would be easier to pick out the last non-stupid thing I said to someone!
7. Biggest turn off?
Negativity.
8. Favorite movie?
Oh boy. This is so difficult for me because I love SO many movies. I like anything that is really romantic and/or dramatic. It helps me channel my emotional side :)
9. Would you date someone who smokes?
I would prefer not to, but if I were to fall in love with someone who smokes I wouldn't call it off simply because of the habit. We'd have to kick it eventually though!
10. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
No. I'd stick by them and try to help them get rid of the addiction, but I couldn't commit to a relationship with them.
11. What’s your biggest turn on, physically?
A smile :) Also, I am really attracted to bigger guys. They just seem safe somehow!
12. Would you have sex with someone you weren’t dating?
Definitely not.
13. Have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
Of course, but I try not to have regrets because I know everything that happens is according to God's plan :)
14. Have you ever dated someone more than once?
Yes. That was pretty much my middle and high school dating experience!
15. If you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be?
This is difficult because I am obsessed with Eric Dane, but he has a wife. I wouldn't want to be a homewrecker, especially for just one date.
16. What’s your relationship status?
I'm ridin' solo.
17. Do you like cuddling?
Love it!
18. Do you hold grudges?
I try not to. I used to hold huge grudges from my past, but then I realized it was only hurting me. There's no point in holding onto anger for something that is already in the past.
19. Do you regret dating anyone?
Nope!
20. Hugger or kisser?
I'm gonna have to go with hugger since I haven't kissed anyone in like ten thousand years.
21. Missing someone?
Absolutely.
22. Most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
#1 Don't play games
#2 Don't fall too hard too fast
#3 Make sure you love yourself before you try to love someone else!!!
23. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Well I haven't been in a relationship for 6 years so I'm gonna have to go with single!
24. How important are looks?
Not as important as personality, obviously. However, people should keep themselves presentable!
25. Would you rather date someone who was SUPER-HOT or someone who was nice?
Definitely nice.
26. Do you stay friends with the people you’ve dated?
Not so far.
27. Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
That's a tough one...I've been tempted before, but lately I've realized there's no point in fighting a battle you can't really win. If I have to fight for him he obviously doesn't want to be with me!
28. Do you kiss on the 1st date?
Never have before.
29. If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Depends on the situation and the person.
30. Some random girl comes up to you and says "who the hell are you"?
My bottom lip would probably start trembling.
31. Are you spoiled?
Just by God :)
32. Name three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
#1 dishonesty
#2 constant criticism
#3 losing his temper
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
I love my church!
Rather than posting daily, I am lucky if I manage to get something out there once a month. I guess that will have to do until I start thinking of more interesting things to blog about. As far as this particular entry, I hope you will be as blown away as I am.
Tonight was our vision event at Newspring. It's something Perry does annually to pump up the volunteers and motivate us to keep investing our time and energy into what God is doing through our church. Tonight's message addressed the fact that we sometimes feel crazy as followers of Jesus. We get pumped up, try to tell people about what we are seeing, and they don't understand. They think we have "lost our dang minds".
Honestly, this is something that I struggle with a lot. I will get absolutely fired up about Jesus and all of the miracles He is performing...then as soon as I get the opportunity to tell someone about it, I back off and assume they won't understand or won't be as excited as I am (especially if they are not Jesus followers themselves).
To explain this, Perry used the story of Jesus turning the water into wine. When it was brought to Jesus' attention that the wine was gone (God forbid- literally), He instructed the servants to fill the water jugs. In order to do this, they had to have faith that Jesus knew what He was doing. They had to practice blind obedience, trusting that He would deliver. When Jesus performed the miracle, who do you think was most blown away? The servants or the people at the party? Of course the servants!! They were pumped up because not only had they witnessed a miracle, but they participated in the miracle!! They understood just how amazing it was! It is the same way today. When we witness a miracle that we are active participants in, of course we are going to get excited about it. Others may acknowledge the miracle, but they can never fully understand unless they have invested themselves in it.
That's why it's so important for Newspring volunteers to stay motivated and never give up! We are actively participating in a HUGE miracle right now!! THOUSANDS of people are going to be in heaven because of what Jesus is doing through our church. You know the best part?? There are still thousands more to go! Perry announced tonight that we are going to launch three more campuses in Spartanburg, Myrtle Beach, AND Greenwood! I am so excited!!
I am so thankful to be a part of something like this. A few years ago, I never would have thought that I would be one of THOSE people. You know, the people who spend Friday nights at church "vision events". The kind of people that are late for family events because they have to teach children about Jesus. Lastly, I never thought I would be one of those people who knows Jesus. I can remember back to the seventh grade when I went to FCA meetings just to get out of sitting in the cafeteria. During the prayer, I would look around at everyone and feel so different from them. I envied what they had, but I didn't know how to get there. I thought being a Christian was just something some people were born with. I never imagined that Jesus would intervene when He did, changing my life completely at the age of 18 years old.
That's why I get so pumped about this church. Miracles are happening every day, and I am one of the servants who gets to be a participant and a witness. Why shouldn't I be absolutely blown away? He saved my life!! If that makes me crazy, then yes. I am crazy about a God who still performs miracles!!
Tonight was our vision event at Newspring. It's something Perry does annually to pump up the volunteers and motivate us to keep investing our time and energy into what God is doing through our church. Tonight's message addressed the fact that we sometimes feel crazy as followers of Jesus. We get pumped up, try to tell people about what we are seeing, and they don't understand. They think we have "lost our dang minds".
Honestly, this is something that I struggle with a lot. I will get absolutely fired up about Jesus and all of the miracles He is performing...then as soon as I get the opportunity to tell someone about it, I back off and assume they won't understand or won't be as excited as I am (especially if they are not Jesus followers themselves).
To explain this, Perry used the story of Jesus turning the water into wine. When it was brought to Jesus' attention that the wine was gone (God forbid- literally), He instructed the servants to fill the water jugs. In order to do this, they had to have faith that Jesus knew what He was doing. They had to practice blind obedience, trusting that He would deliver. When Jesus performed the miracle, who do you think was most blown away? The servants or the people at the party? Of course the servants!! They were pumped up because not only had they witnessed a miracle, but they participated in the miracle!! They understood just how amazing it was! It is the same way today. When we witness a miracle that we are active participants in, of course we are going to get excited about it. Others may acknowledge the miracle, but they can never fully understand unless they have invested themselves in it.
That's why it's so important for Newspring volunteers to stay motivated and never give up! We are actively participating in a HUGE miracle right now!! THOUSANDS of people are going to be in heaven because of what Jesus is doing through our church. You know the best part?? There are still thousands more to go! Perry announced tonight that we are going to launch three more campuses in Spartanburg, Myrtle Beach, AND Greenwood! I am so excited!!
I am so thankful to be a part of something like this. A few years ago, I never would have thought that I would be one of THOSE people. You know, the people who spend Friday nights at church "vision events". The kind of people that are late for family events because they have to teach children about Jesus. Lastly, I never thought I would be one of those people who knows Jesus. I can remember back to the seventh grade when I went to FCA meetings just to get out of sitting in the cafeteria. During the prayer, I would look around at everyone and feel so different from them. I envied what they had, but I didn't know how to get there. I thought being a Christian was just something some people were born with. I never imagined that Jesus would intervene when He did, changing my life completely at the age of 18 years old.
That's why I get so pumped about this church. Miracles are happening every day, and I am one of the servants who gets to be a participant and a witness. Why shouldn't I be absolutely blown away? He saved my life!! If that makes me crazy, then yes. I am crazy about a God who still performs miracles!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Here's to many more sandcastle moments...
The most frustrating thing about my medication is that it has prevented me from being able to blog. I have the thoughts in my head, but I just can't get them out. For someone who once used writing as her best form of expression, this is a difficult pill to swallow...no pun intended. With that said, I'm going to try my best to give this another shot.
I was sitting in the Cracker Barrel parking lot yesterday when Jesus spoke to me. I was watching a bird sitting on a power line and thinking to myself "He looks so content up there." I found myself feeling jealous of that bird, envious of the fact that he can simply exist without the weight of a thousand worries on his mind. I felt like God was trying to tell me something at that moment. I opened up my devotional and read "I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words." I couldn't help but look up to the sky and smile. How is it that some days it is so difficult to hear the voice of God, but others it is so clear?
I closed my devotional, got out of my car, and went inside to look around the gift shop. I made my way to the back, where my eyes landed on a book titled "My Beautiful Sandcaslte Moments". I don't know why, but I picked it up and began to read. It was written by a woman who woke up one morning and realized she had been living with a cloud over her head. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders and was yearning for the peace she once had. She goes down to the beach and begins to pray. She notices the remains of a sandcastle that the tide had destroyed. She remembers what it was like to be a child at the beach, how much enjoyment she got out of running through the waves with a bucket of sand, not a worry in the world.
When you're a child, life is all about the present. Your mind hasn't yet been clouded with the worries that come with growing up. Your entire life revolves around the current task, whether that be building a sandcastle or devouring a huge slice of watermelon. This is the type of freedom that God created us to experience. This is where pure joy comes from.
God is constantly teaching me lessons, but this is the most important lesson by far. After all, God speaks to us in the present, so why would I want to be anywhere else?
I was sitting in the Cracker Barrel parking lot yesterday when Jesus spoke to me. I was watching a bird sitting on a power line and thinking to myself "He looks so content up there." I found myself feeling jealous of that bird, envious of the fact that he can simply exist without the weight of a thousand worries on his mind. I felt like God was trying to tell me something at that moment. I opened up my devotional and read "I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words." I couldn't help but look up to the sky and smile. How is it that some days it is so difficult to hear the voice of God, but others it is so clear?
I closed my devotional, got out of my car, and went inside to look around the gift shop. I made my way to the back, where my eyes landed on a book titled "My Beautiful Sandcaslte Moments". I don't know why, but I picked it up and began to read. It was written by a woman who woke up one morning and realized she had been living with a cloud over her head. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders and was yearning for the peace she once had. She goes down to the beach and begins to pray. She notices the remains of a sandcastle that the tide had destroyed. She remembers what it was like to be a child at the beach, how much enjoyment she got out of running through the waves with a bucket of sand, not a worry in the world.
When you're a child, life is all about the present. Your mind hasn't yet been clouded with the worries that come with growing up. Your entire life revolves around the current task, whether that be building a sandcastle or devouring a huge slice of watermelon. This is the type of freedom that God created us to experience. This is where pure joy comes from.
God is constantly teaching me lessons, but this is the most important lesson by far. After all, God speaks to us in the present, so why would I want to be anywhere else?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Summer is here :)
Hi everyone, my name's Morgan. You probably don't remember me since I haven't posted a blog in a really long time. I'm here to apologize and relieve your period of agony.
Let's see, where do I begin?
Exam week was rough, but I made it out alive (and with a 4.0 semester GPA! Heck yes!). I spent the last two weeks in Lexington/Columbia working at Lexington Family Practice. I absolutely adore the people there, but I think I'd die if I had to answer phones or find charts all day for the rest of my life. Let's just say I'm thankful for the money it brings in, but I am even more thankful to be back in Clemson and gearing up for a summer job that involves doing what I love!!
That's right, it's time to start my externship at St. Francis!! I had orientation Monday and I have clinical orientation next Wednesday! I can't wait to get started. I am terrified to death that I won't have what it takes to be a good nurse, but I'm hoping this summer will help me gain the skills and confidence I'll need to reach my goal :).
I can't believe I'm here right now. I got up this morning, spent an hour at the gym, ran some errands, enjoyed an amazing tomato sandwich, and soaked up some sun by the pool. It's a beautiful start to a beautiful summer. God has blessed me so much!
Let's see, where do I begin?
Exam week was rough, but I made it out alive (and with a 4.0 semester GPA! Heck yes!). I spent the last two weeks in Lexington/Columbia working at Lexington Family Practice. I absolutely adore the people there, but I think I'd die if I had to answer phones or find charts all day for the rest of my life. Let's just say I'm thankful for the money it brings in, but I am even more thankful to be back in Clemson and gearing up for a summer job that involves doing what I love!!
That's right, it's time to start my externship at St. Francis!! I had orientation Monday and I have clinical orientation next Wednesday! I can't wait to get started. I am terrified to death that I won't have what it takes to be a good nurse, but I'm hoping this summer will help me gain the skills and confidence I'll need to reach my goal :).
I can't believe I'm here right now. I got up this morning, spent an hour at the gym, ran some errands, enjoyed an amazing tomato sandwich, and soaked up some sun by the pool. It's a beautiful start to a beautiful summer. God has blessed me so much!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
There isn't good or bad change, only progress.
Change is such a confusing concept to me. It is something we both strive for and avoid at the same time. In today's society, we work so hard to get to the "next step", but we don't want to give up anything in order to get there.
Why is this? Why do we only embrace change when it appears to be "good"? Isn't any change good if it is part of God's plan? I'm beginning to realize that God has a different plan for my life than I do, and my idea of a good change isnever not always the same as His.
These last couple of years have been one change after another. Thanks to Jesus, I've had every type of transformation and transplant imaginable (spiritually speaking, of course). Let's take a look at some of these changes.
The Good
Where do I even begin?? For starters, I was a sinner and I was forgiven. I was dead and now I'm alive. I was lost and now I'm found. There are many ways I can put it, but it all comes down to the fact that Jesus has turned my life around completely. I went from being the lonely girl who sits in the back of English class, crying into her sleeve, to the nursing student who teaches children about Jesus on Sundays and goes to sleep at night knowing that there is hope. I can trust myself with a bottle of pills now, and that's a lot more than I could say two years ago. I have amazing, Godly friends who love me unconditionally and keep me in line. I thank God every night for the amazing people He has placed in my life in such a short period of time.
The Bad
When I took up my cross and started playing "Follow the Leader" with Jesus, I never took a moment to look back and realize what I was leaving behind. I believe that our journey into becoming the person God wants us to be happens in phases. In each phase, we learn a different lesson that prepares us for the next. I also believe that before and during each phase, God equips us with the tools necessary to get through it (similar to Survivor or The Amazing Race). These tools come in the form of money, courage, circumstances, and most importantly, friendship. When I think about all of the amazing friends I have made over the last few years, I realize that each of them came into my life during a time when I needed them the most. They each helped mold me into the person that I am today, and that is what makes them such an irreplaceable part of my past. The difficult thing to realize is that once you are ready for the next phase, you don't need those tools anymore. While you still remember how invaluable they were, you must let go and trust that God will provide you with new ones. Saying goodbye to people who were once such an important part of my life is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do as a follower of Jesus.
The Ugly
Have you seen the movie "The Ugly Truth"? Well, here it is. Change is neither good nor bad. It is inevitable. God doesn't need our approval, so it really doesn't matter. What matters is that we are changing according to His will. You may see the cancer as the worst thing that's ever happened to you, but God sees it as another step. Losing that job certainly changed everything, but God has a plan. That divorce has ruined your life, but wait until you see what God has in store in the next phase. When it comes to walking with Jesus, there isn't good or bad change, there is only progress. That, my friends, is the ugly truth.
So what can we take from this? This is the part where I have to practice what I preach. I am the queen of looking back and wondering if things could be different. I wish I could go back and hand pick which of my life events I would take out and which ones I would keep if I could do it all over again. I now realize that EVERY step, every change, and every event in my life was another step toward the direction of my Savior.
I wouldn't change a thing.
Fall 2006: Taylor was still alive & Brittan wasn't a wife or a mommy yet!
Why is this? Why do we only embrace change when it appears to be "good"? Isn't any change good if it is part of God's plan? I'm beginning to realize that God has a different plan for my life than I do, and my idea of a good change is
These last couple of years have been one change after another. Thanks to Jesus, I've had every type of transformation and transplant imaginable (spiritually speaking, of course). Let's take a look at some of these changes.
The Good
Where do I even begin?? For starters, I was a sinner and I was forgiven. I was dead and now I'm alive. I was lost and now I'm found. There are many ways I can put it, but it all comes down to the fact that Jesus has turned my life around completely. I went from being the lonely girl who sits in the back of English class, crying into her sleeve, to the nursing student who teaches children about Jesus on Sundays and goes to sleep at night knowing that there is hope. I can trust myself with a bottle of pills now, and that's a lot more than I could say two years ago. I have amazing, Godly friends who love me unconditionally and keep me in line. I thank God every night for the amazing people He has placed in my life in such a short period of time.
The Bad
When I took up my cross and started playing "Follow the Leader" with Jesus, I never took a moment to look back and realize what I was leaving behind. I believe that our journey into becoming the person God wants us to be happens in phases. In each phase, we learn a different lesson that prepares us for the next. I also believe that before and during each phase, God equips us with the tools necessary to get through it (similar to Survivor or The Amazing Race). These tools come in the form of money, courage, circumstances, and most importantly, friendship. When I think about all of the amazing friends I have made over the last few years, I realize that each of them came into my life during a time when I needed them the most. They each helped mold me into the person that I am today, and that is what makes them such an irreplaceable part of my past. The difficult thing to realize is that once you are ready for the next phase, you don't need those tools anymore. While you still remember how invaluable they were, you must let go and trust that God will provide you with new ones. Saying goodbye to people who were once such an important part of my life is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do as a follower of Jesus.
The Ugly
Have you seen the movie "The Ugly Truth"? Well, here it is. Change is neither good nor bad. It is inevitable. God doesn't need our approval, so it really doesn't matter. What matters is that we are changing according to His will. You may see the cancer as the worst thing that's ever happened to you, but God sees it as another step. Losing that job certainly changed everything, but God has a plan. That divorce has ruined your life, but wait until you see what God has in store in the next phase. When it comes to walking with Jesus, there isn't good or bad change, there is only progress. That, my friends, is the ugly truth.
So what can we take from this? This is the part where I have to practice what I preach. I am the queen of looking back and wondering if things could be different. I wish I could go back and hand pick which of my life events I would take out and which ones I would keep if I could do it all over again. I now realize that EVERY step, every change, and every event in my life was another step toward the direction of my Savior.
I wouldn't change a thing.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I've Got a Dream
My new favorite movie as of tonight is Tangled. I realized it is a childrens' movie, but it is from this movie that came the inspiration for tonight's blog.
There is a scene that takes place in a bar full of, how do you say it, sketchy men. They sing a song called "I've Got A Dream". They take turns singing about all of the things they dream about doing one day despite all the things that are setting them back.
I realize it is just a Disney song, but at the same time I began applying it to real life.
Dreams are important. They provide us with something to work toward. They give us motivation. They are what provide us with that extra boost to get out of bed every morning. Without dreams, we would all be lost and searching for more.
Everyone has a different dream. My dream to be a nurse may sound nothing short of hell to you. At the same time, it's never been a desire of mine to win a lawsuit or produce my own film.
Why do we all have such different dreams?
I think God makes us each unique, and only He knows how to light that fire in each of our hearts. He created us each for a different purpose, wherein lies our dreams. When we align our desires with God's, the dreams we pursue will directly correlate with His purpose for our lives.
With this realization comes great responsibility. No one else can fill your spot in God's master plan. Because each of us was created for a specific purpose, no one else is equipped with the same passion, the same skills, or the same fire.
This is why we can't give up. If you have a dream, stick with it. Don't give up, even when it seems like you will never get there. The devil doesn't like for us to follow Jesus and he will throw you as many obstacles as he can. Trust that God already has everything planned out. He knows what you can accomplish for Him and He will not let anything stand in the way.
Trust God with your dreams and pursue them with all of your heart, giving God the glory every step of the way.
There is a scene that takes place in a bar full of, how do you say it, sketchy men. They sing a song called "I've Got A Dream". They take turns singing about all of the things they dream about doing one day despite all the things that are setting them back.
I realize it is just a Disney song, but at the same time I began applying it to real life.
Dreams are important. They provide us with something to work toward. They give us motivation. They are what provide us with that extra boost to get out of bed every morning. Without dreams, we would all be lost and searching for more.
Everyone has a different dream. My dream to be a nurse may sound nothing short of hell to you. At the same time, it's never been a desire of mine to win a lawsuit or produce my own film.
Why do we all have such different dreams?
I think God makes us each unique, and only He knows how to light that fire in each of our hearts. He created us each for a different purpose, wherein lies our dreams. When we align our desires with God's, the dreams we pursue will directly correlate with His purpose for our lives.
With this realization comes great responsibility. No one else can fill your spot in God's master plan. Because each of us was created for a specific purpose, no one else is equipped with the same passion, the same skills, or the same fire.
This is why we can't give up. If you have a dream, stick with it. Don't give up, even when it seems like you will never get there. The devil doesn't like for us to follow Jesus and he will throw you as many obstacles as he can. Trust that God already has everything planned out. He knows what you can accomplish for Him and He will not let anything stand in the way.
Trust God with your dreams and pursue them with all of your heart, giving God the glory every step of the way.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Studying for God's tests.
There's something I've never quite understood.
Here's how school works: someone tells you something new and then they test you on how well you can apply what you've learned. If you pass, the teacher goes onto the next lesson. Great. However, if you fail...the teacher still goes onto the next lesson.
Does that make sense to anyone? The kids who didn't learn the first time are basicallyscrewed out of luck. Hopefully that topic will never appear later in life. What's amazing to me, though, is that God doesn't do that. Like a teacher, He also gives us lessons and tests us. When we pass, he entrusts us with another lesson. When we fail, however, He doesn't just move on. He tests us again. and again. and again.
That just blows my mind! It took me such a long time to figure this out. After years of running into the exact same problem over and over again, I finally realized that God was putting me in these situations repeatedly to see if I'd learned from the previous ones.
If we don't learn from the trials we go through, we can never move onto the next step, the next lesson, or the next test that God has planned for us. You have to pass algebra before you can move on to calculus!
So after you learn the lesson, pass a few tests, the next step is an exam. It tests your application of things that you already know. It tests to see if you remember what you learned. I like to think of my life right now as my exam. I have taken MULTIPLE tests on the same lesson, but I have yet to pass one with a grade that I would call satisfactory. I have been discouraged lately, feeling like God is giving me yet another one of these tests on the same topic. I found myself asking Him why He would do this to me again! Then I realized...I am passing this one. He had to do one final test, an exam, to make sure I could remember and apply everything.
It's no coincidence that our problems seem to follow us everywhere. God is testing us. He's pounding the knowledge into our heads in hopes that one day we will pass the test. Only when you pass one test will He begin to prepare you for another.
Here's how school works: someone tells you something new and then they test you on how well you can apply what you've learned. If you pass, the teacher goes onto the next lesson. Great. However, if you fail...the teacher still goes onto the next lesson.
Does that make sense to anyone? The kids who didn't learn the first time are basically
That just blows my mind! It took me such a long time to figure this out. After years of running into the exact same problem over and over again, I finally realized that God was putting me in these situations repeatedly to see if I'd learned from the previous ones.
If we don't learn from the trials we go through, we can never move onto the next step, the next lesson, or the next test that God has planned for us. You have to pass algebra before you can move on to calculus!
So after you learn the lesson, pass a few tests, the next step is an exam. It tests your application of things that you already know. It tests to see if you remember what you learned. I like to think of my life right now as my exam. I have taken MULTIPLE tests on the same lesson, but I have yet to pass one with a grade that I would call satisfactory. I have been discouraged lately, feeling like God is giving me yet another one of these tests on the same topic. I found myself asking Him why He would do this to me again! Then I realized...I am passing this one. He had to do one final test, an exam, to make sure I could remember and apply everything.
It's no coincidence that our problems seem to follow us everywhere. God is testing us. He's pounding the knowledge into our heads in hopes that one day we will pass the test. Only when you pass one test will He begin to prepare you for another.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
My life as of late.
Things have been pretty crazy lately, which explains why I haven't posted in about a month (has it really been that long??). I have been super busy with school and haven't really had a moment to breathe yet alone think of something significant to write a blog post about!
Rather than rambling about how all the areas of my life are intersecting right now, I'll satisfy my OCD and make a nice list. Here it goes.
Operation: Lose Weight
My friend Amy and I started P90X on Monday and did it all week. Proud? I am. It's the most intense workout I've ever done, but I feel so good about myself when it's over. We took before pictures and I can't wait to take my after pictures a couple months down the road and see the change! I've been trying to work the "depression weight" off for a few years now and it's finally time to put it behind me. We're only a week in, so it is going to be difficult to find the motivation every day, but that's where love and support from friends comes in!
Bible Study
I joined a new bible study a couple of weeks ago and I LOVE IT! God is doing some absolutely amazing things in my life right now, and I have never been this close to Him. Perry preached about our next steps a couple of weeks ago and that night I got on my knees and asked God to tell me what my next step was. It's amazing what He will tell you if you just ask. We are told throughout our lives that all we have to do is pray about things and it will get better. What I never realized until recently is that prayer should not be a monologue, but a dialogue as well. I've always talked to God without taking the time to listen to what He wants to tell me in return. Now that I've made a conscious effort to really communicate, He never stops speaking!
Nursing
There is nothing more important to me than knowing I am on the path that God has paved out for me. I'm at that point in my program that I am applying for summer externships and trying to get my name out there in preparation for job applications. It's crazy to think that after all of this, I will be a nurse in less than a year. I am so worried that I will not get one of the externships that I applied for, but I am trying to trust that God already knows my summer plans (and the plans for my future career, for that matter) and He has it under control. All that matters is that I do what He commands and trust that He will continue to pave the way.
Relationships
Oh boy. When I started putting myself out there and making new friends last year, I never prepared myself for all the ups and downs of friendship. I have made SO many new friends with so many amazing people, and with that comes the vulnerability that I may get hurt. Trust has always been an issue for me, which is why I have trouble realizing that just because there is disappointment and conflict doesn't mean you just quit. True friendship is about working through the conflict and coming out on the other side with a better understanding than when you entered. It's about accepting each other for who you are and being supportive even when you don't understand. With everything that has happened recently, I can't help but wonder if God is trying to teach me two lessons. One in trust and one in forgiveness.
Rather than rambling about how all the areas of my life are intersecting right now, I'll satisfy my OCD and make a nice list. Here it goes.
Operation: Lose Weight
My friend Amy and I started P90X on Monday and did it all week. Proud? I am. It's the most intense workout I've ever done, but I feel so good about myself when it's over. We took before pictures and I can't wait to take my after pictures a couple months down the road and see the change! I've been trying to work the "depression weight" off for a few years now and it's finally time to put it behind me. We're only a week in, so it is going to be difficult to find the motivation every day, but that's where love and support from friends comes in!
Bible Study
I joined a new bible study a couple of weeks ago and I LOVE IT! God is doing some absolutely amazing things in my life right now, and I have never been this close to Him. Perry preached about our next steps a couple of weeks ago and that night I got on my knees and asked God to tell me what my next step was. It's amazing what He will tell you if you just ask. We are told throughout our lives that all we have to do is pray about things and it will get better. What I never realized until recently is that prayer should not be a monologue, but a dialogue as well. I've always talked to God without taking the time to listen to what He wants to tell me in return. Now that I've made a conscious effort to really communicate, He never stops speaking!
Nursing
There is nothing more important to me than knowing I am on the path that God has paved out for me. I'm at that point in my program that I am applying for summer externships and trying to get my name out there in preparation for job applications. It's crazy to think that after all of this, I will be a nurse in less than a year. I am so worried that I will not get one of the externships that I applied for, but I am trying to trust that God already knows my summer plans (and the plans for my future career, for that matter) and He has it under control. All that matters is that I do what He commands and trust that He will continue to pave the way.
Relationships
Oh boy. When I started putting myself out there and making new friends last year, I never prepared myself for all the ups and downs of friendship. I have made SO many new friends with so many amazing people, and with that comes the vulnerability that I may get hurt. Trust has always been an issue for me, which is why I have trouble realizing that just because there is disappointment and conflict doesn't mean you just quit. True friendship is about working through the conflict and coming out on the other side with a better understanding than when you entered. It's about accepting each other for who you are and being supportive even when you don't understand. With everything that has happened recently, I can't help but wonder if God is trying to teach me two lessons. One in trust and one in forgiveness.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Procrastination...
I really don't feel like studying right now, so in order to get some brain juices flowing I suppose I'll keep things up to date in regards to my life. Thursday we went to Headstart where we got to do complete physicals on around 30 kids! That was a great day. That afternoon six of the other nursing girls came over to watch A Beautiful Mind. Since we missed a clinical day due to the snow, we had to watch a psych-related movie and write a summary. At least it was a good excuse to all hang out and have fun! We ate lots of Squirms, which made it a good afternoon.
On Friday I was on the labor and delivery unit, which was AWESOME. I got to see an epidural and a vaginal delivery! Caring for those newborns right after the deliveries was such a great experience. It amazes me that I witnessed the first moments of someone's life. That baby has his entire life ahead of him. He can be anything he wants to be, go anywhere he wants to go, and do anything he wants to do. You know what the coolest part is? God already knows exactly what He's doing with that baby boy.
Friday night my friend Stephanie came up to Tiger Town! We met KD at TD's, ate some good food, and had some really great laughs! We weren't quite ready to call it an evening yet, so we stopped at Spill the Beans and ate way too much ice cream. It was great to just relax and have a good conversation with two people who mean so much to me!
Yesterday (Saturday) was a pretty amazing day. Stephanie and I woke up around 9:40, despite our efforts to sleep late. We moved our pillows and blankets to the couch and watched The Sound of Music all afternoon! Even though I had to multi-task and study for my peds test, It really was the best afternoon I've had in a while! I love The Sound of Music :). After the movie I had to get ready for my date! After trying on at least 4 different outfits and 7 shades of lipstick, I headed downtown to meet him! I had a really great time, and he exceeded all of my expectations. Basically, I can't wait until next weekend when I can see him again!
I guess I'm out of things to update, so I suppose I have to study now. Wish me luck this week with my tests (notice that was plural)!!
On Friday I was on the labor and delivery unit, which was AWESOME. I got to see an epidural and a vaginal delivery! Caring for those newborns right after the deliveries was such a great experience. It amazes me that I witnessed the first moments of someone's life. That baby has his entire life ahead of him. He can be anything he wants to be, go anywhere he wants to go, and do anything he wants to do. You know what the coolest part is? God already knows exactly what He's doing with that baby boy.
Friday night my friend Stephanie came up to Tiger Town! We met KD at TD's, ate some good food, and had some really great laughs! We weren't quite ready to call it an evening yet, so we stopped at Spill the Beans and ate way too much ice cream. It was great to just relax and have a good conversation with two people who mean so much to me!
Yesterday (Saturday) was a pretty amazing day. Stephanie and I woke up around 9:40, despite our efforts to sleep late. We moved our pillows and blankets to the couch and watched The Sound of Music all afternoon! Even though I had to multi-task and study for my peds test, It really was the best afternoon I've had in a while! I love The Sound of Music :). After the movie I had to get ready for my date! After trying on at least 4 different outfits and 7 shades of lipstick, I headed downtown to meet him! I had a really great time, and he exceeded all of my expectations. Basically, I can't wait until next weekend when I can see him again!
I guess I'm out of things to update, so I suppose I have to study now. Wish me luck this week with my tests (notice that was plural)!!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Silver white winters that melt into spring
I don't have anything philosophical to say in today's entry. All I can say right now is that I am perfectly, supremely, sublimely happy! Ever since Monday when I felt Jesus speak to my heart more clearly than He ever has, I have seen the world in a completely different way. I have learned to appreciate EVERYTHING that the Lord has blessed me with, which is something I always assumed I had done, but it turns out I never really have before. I lay in my bed last night and praised Jesus that I had a bed to sleep in, three blankets keeping me warm, walls and a roof to keep me safe, and somewhere meaningful to go when I wake. For reasons unknown to me, not everyone is blessed with these things. For some reason, God chose me. How ungrateful would it be for me to take these gifts and not use them for great things? For years I believed I was incapable of doing great things. I thought everyone else had something I didn't. Now I realize that it's just the opposite. I have something someone else doesn't have. The same goes for everyone. Jesus entrusts different gifts to different people, meaning that each person is just as valuable as another. If we don't use those gifts, no one else can completely fill the spot in God's plan that He reserved for each of us.
I'm sitting here cross-legged on my bed wearing my nursing scrubs and listening to the soundtrack to The Sound of Music and praising Jesus for this moment. When you truly realize that EVERYTHING comes from God, you start to appreciate even these small moments. My prayer today is that this new-found awareness never goes away.
I'm sitting here cross-legged on my bed wearing my nursing scrubs and listening to the soundtrack to The Sound of Music and praising Jesus for this moment. When you truly realize that EVERYTHING comes from God, you start to appreciate even these small moments. My prayer today is that this new-found awareness never goes away.
This video pretty much sums up the fact that we don't know why God distributes blessings the way that He does, but we just have to trust that He knows what He's doing.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Out of the darkness and into the light!
For the past several years, I have been hanging out in a dark room. The walls are covered with snapshots of my past, all the things that have ever torn me down. I've spent my time hanging up new snapshots, ones I've forgotten or ones I resurfaced just to remind myself that I will never be any more than that. Occasionally I will step out into the hall for some fresh air. I will momentarily forget about this dark room I've left behind, but I always go back.
Something inside me changed today. I have stepped out of the dark room and am confidently walking down the hallway toward the brightly lit doorway at the end of the corridor. I had my psychiatric clinical today, and those few hours we spent there gave me an entirely new perspective on life. I have never seen so many troubled people in one place before. Each person had a story, a dark room that they too were hiding out in. My heart broke for them, knowing that I could not coax them out myself.
One woman's story had a particularly significant impact on me. While I can't reveal the details, I can say that as I was listening to her story, I began to realize just how much I have taken for granted in my life. Not only do I have a car to drive, an apartment to live in, and food to eat. Even more importantly, I have people who love me, a career path I'm passionate about, and my sanity. I'd been so busy hanging up snapshots of bad memories and heartache that I failed to notice the ones being hung outside in the hallway. I've created at least a year's worth of beautiful, happy, life-altering memories that I have failed to recognize up until this point.
At one point in the conversation, I asked her to tell me more about her depression. She looked at me and said "That's right, because you wouldn't know what that feels like." That comment cut straight through me like a knife. I do know what that feels like. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. For the first time in the history of my life, I was able to separate my past from my present. I was able to put my old issues aside and focus on the current issues of someone else. I was transformed from the girl who needed someone to listen to the girl who was listening to someone who needed it.
There are so many more things I could share about what I've realized today, but I've probably already lost you in this textbook of an entry! Basically, today is the day I have decided to experience joy in the new life that God has given me. I will no longer hang snapshots of my past to remind me of the hard times, but I will begin a collage of my new memories to remind me that I have a new life in Christ.
Something inside me changed today. I have stepped out of the dark room and am confidently walking down the hallway toward the brightly lit doorway at the end of the corridor. I had my psychiatric clinical today, and those few hours we spent there gave me an entirely new perspective on life. I have never seen so many troubled people in one place before. Each person had a story, a dark room that they too were hiding out in. My heart broke for them, knowing that I could not coax them out myself.
One woman's story had a particularly significant impact on me. While I can't reveal the details, I can say that as I was listening to her story, I began to realize just how much I have taken for granted in my life. Not only do I have a car to drive, an apartment to live in, and food to eat. Even more importantly, I have people who love me, a career path I'm passionate about, and my sanity. I'd been so busy hanging up snapshots of bad memories and heartache that I failed to notice the ones being hung outside in the hallway. I've created at least a year's worth of beautiful, happy, life-altering memories that I have failed to recognize up until this point.
At one point in the conversation, I asked her to tell me more about her depression. She looked at me and said "That's right, because you wouldn't know what that feels like." That comment cut straight through me like a knife. I do know what that feels like. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. For the first time in the history of my life, I was able to separate my past from my present. I was able to put my old issues aside and focus on the current issues of someone else. I was transformed from the girl who needed someone to listen to the girl who was listening to someone who needed it.
There are so many more things I could share about what I've realized today, but I've probably already lost you in this textbook of an entry! Basically, today is the day I have decided to experience joy in the new life that God has given me. I will no longer hang snapshots of my past to remind me of the hard times, but I will begin a collage of my new memories to remind me that I have a new life in Christ.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What is your next step?
Today was a beautiful day.
I went to Newspring this morning with my brother and my friend Amy. The service was AMAZING! Then I took my brother to CiCi's Pizza for lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go inside with such glorious weather, so KD and I spent the rest of the afternoon out on Bowman "studying". I am capping off the evening with a little bit of blogging and iTunes!
God pressed something into me today at the service. Have you ever looked at someone successful and wished you could be like them? Until recently, I saw everyone around me as "that type" of person that could accomplish things. I thought it was some sort of gene that I somehow didn't acquire. I thought these things just happened for them because life was just on their side. I was content to watch from the bleachers because I thought that's where I belonged and I had reached my potential.
What I have recently realized, however, is that I have SO much more potential than I could ever imagine. Jesus didn't create me to watch others make something of themselves. He created me to do something with my life. There's one catch, though. I have to actually WORK for it. Perry used the story of David to illustrate this point. He explained that David was a shepherd who loved his sheep. When a lion or a bear came in and took one of his sheep, he didn't stay in the pen. Instead, he went AFTER the sheep. He had to take action. No matter how scary, no matter how hopeless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, he did it. If he had stayed in the sheep pen, he never would have reached the potential that God created him to reach. It turns out that God was testing and preparing David for his battle with Goliath.
What if David had the same mindset that we do sometimes? What if he said "I can't go after that sheep. I'm not brave enough." or "I can't fight Goliath. That other guy over there is a much better warrior." If he had made those excuses, he would have been passing up his opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He would have been wasting the gift that God prepared for him.
For David, it was leaving the sheep pen. For me, it was rising above my depression and starting over. It was going out of my comfort zone to spend time with new people. It was trusting that I had what it takes to do nursing school. It was accepting my weaknesses and discovering my strengths. It was finally learning to love myself. It was having the courage to get help.
If I hadn't "stepped out of the pen", I would never know what kind of things God has planned for me. I have so many dreams for my future as a nurse, and the only way I can accomplish them is to take Jesus by the hand and go for it! I can't sit around and pray that things come my way. I can't wake up one morning and be a nurse. In order to be the person Jesus created me to be, I have to live the way Jesus created me to live. I have to take the steps He has paved for me.
Do you feel like you have greater potential? You won't reach it unless you step out from where you are. Ask God what He wants you to do and then do it! It starts with a decision to take action.
I went to Newspring this morning with my brother and my friend Amy. The service was AMAZING! Then I took my brother to CiCi's Pizza for lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go inside with such glorious weather, so KD and I spent the rest of the afternoon out on Bowman "studying". I am capping off the evening with a little bit of blogging and iTunes!
God pressed something into me today at the service. Have you ever looked at someone successful and wished you could be like them? Until recently, I saw everyone around me as "that type" of person that could accomplish things. I thought it was some sort of gene that I somehow didn't acquire. I thought these things just happened for them because life was just on their side. I was content to watch from the bleachers because I thought that's where I belonged and I had reached my potential.
What I have recently realized, however, is that I have SO much more potential than I could ever imagine. Jesus didn't create me to watch others make something of themselves. He created me to do something with my life. There's one catch, though. I have to actually WORK for it. Perry used the story of David to illustrate this point. He explained that David was a shepherd who loved his sheep. When a lion or a bear came in and took one of his sheep, he didn't stay in the pen. Instead, he went AFTER the sheep. He had to take action. No matter how scary, no matter how hopeless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, he did it. If he had stayed in the sheep pen, he never would have reached the potential that God created him to reach. It turns out that God was testing and preparing David for his battle with Goliath.
What if David had the same mindset that we do sometimes? What if he said "I can't go after that sheep. I'm not brave enough." or "I can't fight Goliath. That other guy over there is a much better warrior." If he had made those excuses, he would have been passing up his opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He would have been wasting the gift that God prepared for him.
For David, it was leaving the sheep pen. For me, it was rising above my depression and starting over. It was going out of my comfort zone to spend time with new people. It was trusting that I had what it takes to do nursing school. It was accepting my weaknesses and discovering my strengths. It was finally learning to love myself. It was having the courage to get help.
If I hadn't "stepped out of the pen", I would never know what kind of things God has planned for me. I have so many dreams for my future as a nurse, and the only way I can accomplish them is to take Jesus by the hand and go for it! I can't sit around and pray that things come my way. I can't wake up one morning and be a nurse. In order to be the person Jesus created me to be, I have to live the way Jesus created me to live. I have to take the steps He has paved for me.
Do you feel like you have greater potential? You won't reach it unless you step out from where you are. Ask God what He wants you to do and then do it! It starts with a decision to take action.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Five Question Friday: Bonefish anyone?
Guess what? It's Friday!! You know what that means. Actually, you may not know what that means. For me, however, it means I get a long weekend of reading, studying, and hanging out with awesome people! My little brother Zachary is coming tonight. Well, he's 19. He's still little to me, though. He won't be here until around 7:00, and since I got out of clinical early today I've spent the entire day in bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Productive, right? So in an attempt to give you guys something interesting to read, I'm going to try out this whole blog hopping thing. My cousin Brittan from A Babbling Brunette told me I should try it out, so here it goes!
For the first time in the history of my blog, it's Five Question Friday!
1. If you had $1000 to donate to a charity, which would you chose?
Hmm. This one's a hard one, because there are so many amazing charities out there. Honestly, I would probably just give it to Newspring. I trust that they would use it for something good, and that's all that really matters.
2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?
Honestly, I despise snow days. I love to look out the window and see the snow covering the ground, and it's even more beautiful when it's still falling. However (and this is a big however), it keeps me from having a productive day and stepping outside of my apartment. Not to mention, I feel obligated to venture out into the frigid wonderland and build a snowman. This ultimately leads to me being cold and wet, which is not a pleasant combination. On the plus side, it's the perfect excuse to sit around watching movies and indulging myself in grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Yummmm.
3. What talent did you wish you had and why?
Oh, how I wish I could sing! It's probably my favorite thing to do, but frankly, it just isn't pleasant. I commend myself for my determination, though. I do attempt to hit each note.
4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?
While this is terribly lame, I have to go with neither. I don't watch the news, because it either makes me depressed or doesn't concern me at all. I don't care about politics, because they frustrate me. Finally, I don't follow celebrity gossip because I really couldn't care less about Taylor Swift's dating life. I'm so out of the loop on celebrity gossip that it took me several minutes to even think of an example to use.
5. What is your favorite "cocktail"?
If we're talking alcoholic, I have to say either a pomegranate martini from Bonefish Grill or a Sex on the Beach from anywhere. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, though, so I'll go ahead and name my favorite non-alcoholic "cocktail" as well. Not very exciting, I'm afraid...I'll take some sweet tea.
For the first time in the history of my blog, it's Five Question Friday!
1. If you had $1000 to donate to a charity, which would you chose?
Hmm. This one's a hard one, because there are so many amazing charities out there. Honestly, I would probably just give it to Newspring. I trust that they would use it for something good, and that's all that really matters.
2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?
Honestly, I despise snow days. I love to look out the window and see the snow covering the ground, and it's even more beautiful when it's still falling. However (and this is a big however), it keeps me from having a productive day and stepping outside of my apartment. Not to mention, I feel obligated to venture out into the frigid wonderland and build a snowman. This ultimately leads to me being cold and wet, which is not a pleasant combination. On the plus side, it's the perfect excuse to sit around watching movies and indulging myself in grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Yummmm.
This snowman is the best I could do before making a mad dash for a hot shower.
3. What talent did you wish you had and why?
Oh, how I wish I could sing! It's probably my favorite thing to do, but frankly, it just isn't pleasant. I commend myself for my determination, though. I do attempt to hit each note.
4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?
While this is terribly lame, I have to go with neither. I don't watch the news, because it either makes me depressed or doesn't concern me at all. I don't care about politics, because they frustrate me. Finally, I don't follow celebrity gossip because I really couldn't care less about Taylor Swift's dating life. I'm so out of the loop on celebrity gossip that it took me several minutes to even think of an example to use.
5. What is your favorite "cocktail"?
If we're talking alcoholic, I have to say either a pomegranate martini from Bonefish Grill or a Sex on the Beach from anywhere. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, though, so I'll go ahead and name my favorite non-alcoholic "cocktail" as well. Not very exciting, I'm afraid...I'll take some sweet tea.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Oh, how He loves us
Hi, it's me again. I feel that I need an introduction since it has been an entire month since I've posted an entry. The past month has been...educational (for lack of a better word). I survived the month away from Clemson and assumed it would be smooth sailing once I got back. I should have known better. What I did not know was that God had something planned. He always schedules life-altering revelations during the most inconvenient times. Since he is God, though, I am going along with it.
Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud).
I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.
You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:
1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?
2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.
As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.
Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud).
I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.
You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:
1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?
2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.
As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.
On second thought, here's a little something from my past!
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