Oh, how He loves us

Hi, it's me again. I feel that I need an introduction since it has been an entire month since I've posted an entry. The past month has been...educational (for lack of a better word). I survived the month away from Clemson and assumed it would be smooth sailing once I got back. I should have known better. What I did not know was that God had something planned. He always schedules life-altering revelations during the most inconvenient times. Since he is God, though, I am going along with it.

Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud). 

I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.

You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:

1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?

2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.

As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.

 On second thought, here's a little something from my past!