For the past several years, I have been hanging out in a dark room. The walls are covered with snapshots of my past, all the things that have ever torn me down. I've spent my time hanging up new snapshots, ones I've forgotten or ones I resurfaced just to remind myself that I will never be any more than that. Occasionally I will step out into the hall for some fresh air. I will momentarily forget about this dark room I've left behind, but I always go back.
Something inside me changed today. I have stepped out of the dark room and am confidently walking down the hallway toward the brightly lit doorway at the end of the corridor. I had my psychiatric clinical today, and those few hours we spent there gave me an entirely new perspective on life. I have never seen so many troubled people in one place before. Each person had a story, a dark room that they too were hiding out in. My heart broke for them, knowing that I could not coax them out myself.
One woman's story had a particularly significant impact on me. While I can't reveal the details, I can say that as I was listening to her story, I began to realize just how much I have taken for granted in my life. Not only do I have a car to drive, an apartment to live in, and food to eat. Even more importantly, I have people who love me, a career path I'm passionate about, and my sanity. I'd been so busy hanging up snapshots of bad memories and heartache that I failed to notice the ones being hung outside in the hallway. I've created at least a year's worth of beautiful, happy, life-altering memories that I have failed to recognize up until this point.
At one point in the conversation, I asked her to tell me more about her depression. She looked at me and said "That's right, because you wouldn't know what that feels like." That comment cut straight through me like a knife. I do know what that feels like. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. For the first time in the history of my life, I was able to separate my past from my present. I was able to put my old issues aside and focus on the current issues of someone else. I was transformed from the girl who needed someone to listen to the girl who was listening to someone who needed it.
There are so many more things I could share about what I've realized today, but I've probably already lost you in this textbook of an entry! Basically, today is the day I have decided to experience joy in the new life that God has given me. I will no longer hang snapshots of my past to remind me of the hard times, but I will begin a collage of my new memories to remind me that I have a new life in Christ.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What is your next step?
Today was a beautiful day.
I went to Newspring this morning with my brother and my friend Amy. The service was AMAZING! Then I took my brother to CiCi's Pizza for lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go inside with such glorious weather, so KD and I spent the rest of the afternoon out on Bowman "studying". I am capping off the evening with a little bit of blogging and iTunes!
God pressed something into me today at the service. Have you ever looked at someone successful and wished you could be like them? Until recently, I saw everyone around me as "that type" of person that could accomplish things. I thought it was some sort of gene that I somehow didn't acquire. I thought these things just happened for them because life was just on their side. I was content to watch from the bleachers because I thought that's where I belonged and I had reached my potential.
What I have recently realized, however, is that I have SO much more potential than I could ever imagine. Jesus didn't create me to watch others make something of themselves. He created me to do something with my life. There's one catch, though. I have to actually WORK for it. Perry used the story of David to illustrate this point. He explained that David was a shepherd who loved his sheep. When a lion or a bear came in and took one of his sheep, he didn't stay in the pen. Instead, he went AFTER the sheep. He had to take action. No matter how scary, no matter how hopeless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, he did it. If he had stayed in the sheep pen, he never would have reached the potential that God created him to reach. It turns out that God was testing and preparing David for his battle with Goliath.
What if David had the same mindset that we do sometimes? What if he said "I can't go after that sheep. I'm not brave enough." or "I can't fight Goliath. That other guy over there is a much better warrior." If he had made those excuses, he would have been passing up his opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He would have been wasting the gift that God prepared for him.
For David, it was leaving the sheep pen. For me, it was rising above my depression and starting over. It was going out of my comfort zone to spend time with new people. It was trusting that I had what it takes to do nursing school. It was accepting my weaknesses and discovering my strengths. It was finally learning to love myself. It was having the courage to get help.
If I hadn't "stepped out of the pen", I would never know what kind of things God has planned for me. I have so many dreams for my future as a nurse, and the only way I can accomplish them is to take Jesus by the hand and go for it! I can't sit around and pray that things come my way. I can't wake up one morning and be a nurse. In order to be the person Jesus created me to be, I have to live the way Jesus created me to live. I have to take the steps He has paved for me.
Do you feel like you have greater potential? You won't reach it unless you step out from where you are. Ask God what He wants you to do and then do it! It starts with a decision to take action.
I went to Newspring this morning with my brother and my friend Amy. The service was AMAZING! Then I took my brother to CiCi's Pizza for lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go inside with such glorious weather, so KD and I spent the rest of the afternoon out on Bowman "studying". I am capping off the evening with a little bit of blogging and iTunes!
God pressed something into me today at the service. Have you ever looked at someone successful and wished you could be like them? Until recently, I saw everyone around me as "that type" of person that could accomplish things. I thought it was some sort of gene that I somehow didn't acquire. I thought these things just happened for them because life was just on their side. I was content to watch from the bleachers because I thought that's where I belonged and I had reached my potential.
What I have recently realized, however, is that I have SO much more potential than I could ever imagine. Jesus didn't create me to watch others make something of themselves. He created me to do something with my life. There's one catch, though. I have to actually WORK for it. Perry used the story of David to illustrate this point. He explained that David was a shepherd who loved his sheep. When a lion or a bear came in and took one of his sheep, he didn't stay in the pen. Instead, he went AFTER the sheep. He had to take action. No matter how scary, no matter how hopeless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, he did it. If he had stayed in the sheep pen, he never would have reached the potential that God created him to reach. It turns out that God was testing and preparing David for his battle with Goliath.
What if David had the same mindset that we do sometimes? What if he said "I can't go after that sheep. I'm not brave enough." or "I can't fight Goliath. That other guy over there is a much better warrior." If he had made those excuses, he would have been passing up his opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He would have been wasting the gift that God prepared for him.
For David, it was leaving the sheep pen. For me, it was rising above my depression and starting over. It was going out of my comfort zone to spend time with new people. It was trusting that I had what it takes to do nursing school. It was accepting my weaknesses and discovering my strengths. It was finally learning to love myself. It was having the courage to get help.
If I hadn't "stepped out of the pen", I would never know what kind of things God has planned for me. I have so many dreams for my future as a nurse, and the only way I can accomplish them is to take Jesus by the hand and go for it! I can't sit around and pray that things come my way. I can't wake up one morning and be a nurse. In order to be the person Jesus created me to be, I have to live the way Jesus created me to live. I have to take the steps He has paved for me.
Do you feel like you have greater potential? You won't reach it unless you step out from where you are. Ask God what He wants you to do and then do it! It starts with a decision to take action.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Five Question Friday: Bonefish anyone?
Guess what? It's Friday!! You know what that means. Actually, you may not know what that means. For me, however, it means I get a long weekend of reading, studying, and hanging out with awesome people! My little brother Zachary is coming tonight. Well, he's 19. He's still little to me, though. He won't be here until around 7:00, and since I got out of clinical early today I've spent the entire day in bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Productive, right? So in an attempt to give you guys something interesting to read, I'm going to try out this whole blog hopping thing. My cousin Brittan from A Babbling Brunette told me I should try it out, so here it goes!
For the first time in the history of my blog, it's Five Question Friday!
1. If you had $1000 to donate to a charity, which would you chose?
Hmm. This one's a hard one, because there are so many amazing charities out there. Honestly, I would probably just give it to Newspring. I trust that they would use it for something good, and that's all that really matters.
2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?
Honestly, I despise snow days. I love to look out the window and see the snow covering the ground, and it's even more beautiful when it's still falling. However (and this is a big however), it keeps me from having a productive day and stepping outside of my apartment. Not to mention, I feel obligated to venture out into the frigid wonderland and build a snowman. This ultimately leads to me being cold and wet, which is not a pleasant combination. On the plus side, it's the perfect excuse to sit around watching movies and indulging myself in grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Yummmm.
3. What talent did you wish you had and why?
Oh, how I wish I could sing! It's probably my favorite thing to do, but frankly, it just isn't pleasant. I commend myself for my determination, though. I do attempt to hit each note.
4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?
While this is terribly lame, I have to go with neither. I don't watch the news, because it either makes me depressed or doesn't concern me at all. I don't care about politics, because they frustrate me. Finally, I don't follow celebrity gossip because I really couldn't care less about Taylor Swift's dating life. I'm so out of the loop on celebrity gossip that it took me several minutes to even think of an example to use.
5. What is your favorite "cocktail"?
If we're talking alcoholic, I have to say either a pomegranate martini from Bonefish Grill or a Sex on the Beach from anywhere. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, though, so I'll go ahead and name my favorite non-alcoholic "cocktail" as well. Not very exciting, I'm afraid...I'll take some sweet tea.
For the first time in the history of my blog, it's Five Question Friday!
1. If you had $1000 to donate to a charity, which would you chose?
Hmm. This one's a hard one, because there are so many amazing charities out there. Honestly, I would probably just give it to Newspring. I trust that they would use it for something good, and that's all that really matters.
2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?
Honestly, I despise snow days. I love to look out the window and see the snow covering the ground, and it's even more beautiful when it's still falling. However (and this is a big however), it keeps me from having a productive day and stepping outside of my apartment. Not to mention, I feel obligated to venture out into the frigid wonderland and build a snowman. This ultimately leads to me being cold and wet, which is not a pleasant combination. On the plus side, it's the perfect excuse to sit around watching movies and indulging myself in grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Yummmm.
This snowman is the best I could do before making a mad dash for a hot shower.
3. What talent did you wish you had and why?
Oh, how I wish I could sing! It's probably my favorite thing to do, but frankly, it just isn't pleasant. I commend myself for my determination, though. I do attempt to hit each note.
4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?
While this is terribly lame, I have to go with neither. I don't watch the news, because it either makes me depressed or doesn't concern me at all. I don't care about politics, because they frustrate me. Finally, I don't follow celebrity gossip because I really couldn't care less about Taylor Swift's dating life. I'm so out of the loop on celebrity gossip that it took me several minutes to even think of an example to use.
5. What is your favorite "cocktail"?
If we're talking alcoholic, I have to say either a pomegranate martini from Bonefish Grill or a Sex on the Beach from anywhere. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, though, so I'll go ahead and name my favorite non-alcoholic "cocktail" as well. Not very exciting, I'm afraid...I'll take some sweet tea.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Oh, how He loves us
Hi, it's me again. I feel that I need an introduction since it has been an entire month since I've posted an entry. The past month has been...educational (for lack of a better word). I survived the month away from Clemson and assumed it would be smooth sailing once I got back. I should have known better. What I did not know was that God had something planned. He always schedules life-altering revelations during the most inconvenient times. Since he is God, though, I am going along with it.
Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud).
I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.
You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:
1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?
2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.
As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.
Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud).
I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.
You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:
1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?
2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.
As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.
On second thought, here's a little something from my past!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Born again in 2010
Alas, only one more day in the year of 2010. I must say that I am feeling a bit nostalgic. Looking back, I am so thankful to say that 2010 has been the happiest, most amazing year of my life.
After coming out of such a long depression and finally becoming the person that God has meant for me to be, I feel like I was reborn this year. It's as if the first 20 years of my life have disappeared and I have completely started over.
This past year has shown me what life should be like and what it will always be like as long as I stay close to Jesus. I can't help but smile when I think about how incredibly blessed I have been since last January.
I'm going to use this blog to highlight my "first year of life" and publicly thank God for everything He has given me this year. Normally I would make a list of resolutions, things I would like to change. This year, however, I am going to pray for continuity.
It is no small accomplishment that I was able to overcome my social anxiety and form wonderful friendships with so many people. Getting back into the nursing program is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides meeting Jesus, of course). I have discovered my purpose in life, and have met some amazing people in the process.
While I am sad to say goodbye to 2010, I can only imagine what 2011 will bring.
After coming out of such a long depression and finally becoming the person that God has meant for me to be, I feel like I was reborn this year. It's as if the first 20 years of my life have disappeared and I have completely started over.
This past year has shown me what life should be like and what it will always be like as long as I stay close to Jesus. I can't help but smile when I think about how incredibly blessed I have been since last January.
I'm going to use this blog to highlight my "first year of life" and publicly thank God for everything He has given me this year. Normally I would make a list of resolutions, things I would like to change. This year, however, I am going to pray for continuity.
Highlights of 2010
- Started nursing school and discovered my life's passion
- Became depression-free!!
- Overcame my fear of social situations and made some AMAZING friends
- Giving my first injection at NHC
- Getting pooped on at NHC...
- Quitting Ruby Tuesday!!!!
- Got a job at Lexington Medical Center
- Made some more AMAZING friends at LFP West Columbia
- Heather and Greg's wedding!
- Kayla and Glen's engagement!
- Watched 3 colonoscopies, 2 EGDs, and a colectomy!!!
- Gave LOTS of injections and started three IVs!
- watched a couple of people accept Jesus as their saviors!
- Joined a small group and met even MORE amazing people
- Started volunteering at Kidspring
- Got my class ring!!
- Went to Disney World AND The Wizarding World of Harry Potter
It is no small accomplishment that I was able to overcome my social anxiety and form wonderful friendships with so many people. Getting back into the nursing program is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides meeting Jesus, of course). I have discovered my purpose in life, and have met some amazing people in the process.
While I am sad to say goodbye to 2010, I can only imagine what 2011 will bring.
Here is a video of some of the fun times!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
So blessed.
I have REALLY been a slacker in the blogging department. I'll blame it on being busy with school. Now that the semester is over I suppose I can get back in the swing of things.
Right now I'm lying in bed at my dad's house wishing my body didn't feel like it has been hit by a large vehicle. I'm assuming some kind of virus has invaded, but I'm hoping the theraflu will kick in. After all, operation "raise money to pay for school this semester" has officially begun and I am working at LFP every day until classes start up again.
You're probably wondering what I've been up to. The truth is, life has turned into a beautiful routine involving studying, eating, and spending time with amazing friends. I've been doing a lot of reflecting over the last few days (I tend to do this a lot), and I've become overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me with. I have people who love me. I am working toward an amazing career that I just happen to be whole-heartedly passionate about. You know what else I have? Jesus. I didn't always have Him, but now that I do I can't even imagine what my life would be like had I not agreed to go to Newspring back in August of '07. He has changed EVERY aspect of my life in ways that can only be explained as supernatural.
I have never been more satisfied than I am at this moment. It's amazing how Jesus will take care of you if you just trust Him.
Right now I'm lying in bed at my dad's house wishing my body didn't feel like it has been hit by a large vehicle. I'm assuming some kind of virus has invaded, but I'm hoping the theraflu will kick in. After all, operation "raise money to pay for school this semester" has officially begun and I am working at LFP every day until classes start up again.
You're probably wondering what I've been up to. The truth is, life has turned into a beautiful routine involving studying, eating, and spending time with amazing friends. I've been doing a lot of reflecting over the last few days (I tend to do this a lot), and I've become overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me with. I have people who love me. I am working toward an amazing career that I just happen to be whole-heartedly passionate about. You know what else I have? Jesus. I didn't always have Him, but now that I do I can't even imagine what my life would be like had I not agreed to go to Newspring back in August of '07. He has changed EVERY aspect of my life in ways that can only be explained as supernatural.
I have never been more satisfied than I am at this moment. It's amazing how Jesus will take care of you if you just trust Him.
Here are some of my favorite people
(If you aren't in a picture, it's because I didn't have one):
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Way overdue, I know!
Ok, I realize that it has been approximately 2 weeks since I have posted an entry. What can I say? My motivation is failing. When it comes between blogging and studying for my medsurg test, I have to go with medsurg test because there is just not enough in me for both! Anyway, I'm on Fall break right now, which means I have had an excessive amount of free time. What does that mean? I have had lots of time to think. Here are a few of the conclusions I have come to over the last couple of days:
1) Snack pack pudding is just as much fun now as it was when I was little.
2) There HAS to be a way to make multi-vitamins less disgusting. Seriously, I fight my gag reflex for several minutes after taking those things.
3) There is no need to honk at me while I'm out for a run. What about a sweaty, panting female screams "honk at me, please!" It just makes me want to run faster to get away from you.
4) Sleeping until 10:30am is up there on the 'awesome scale' next to winning the lottery and meeting Jesus.
5) Watching Dawson's creek from 6:00pm to 1:00am is not a wasted evening. In fact, I think it was the most productive evening I've had all semester.
6) Jesus is awesome.
Now that I've shared my revelations with you, I'm going to eat my meatloaf lean cuisine. Wish me luck.
I feel so nutritious. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, carrots, and corn!!
1) Snack pack pudding is just as much fun now as it was when I was little.
2) There HAS to be a way to make multi-vitamins less disgusting. Seriously, I fight my gag reflex for several minutes after taking those things.
3) There is no need to honk at me while I'm out for a run. What about a sweaty, panting female screams "honk at me, please!" It just makes me want to run faster to get away from you.
4) Sleeping until 10:30am is up there on the 'awesome scale' next to winning the lottery and meeting Jesus.
5) Watching Dawson's creek from 6:00pm to 1:00am is not a wasted evening. In fact, I think it was the most productive evening I've had all semester.
6) Jesus is awesome.
Now that I've shared my revelations with you, I'm going to eat my meatloaf lean cuisine. Wish me luck.
I feel so nutritious. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, carrots, and corn!!
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