My life as of late.

Things have been pretty crazy lately, which explains why I haven't posted in about a month (has it really been that long??). I have been super busy with school and haven't really had a moment to breathe yet alone think of something significant to write a blog post about!

Rather than rambling about how all the areas of my life are intersecting right now, I'll satisfy my OCD and make a nice list. Here it goes.

Operation: Lose Weight
My friend Amy and I started P90X on Monday and did it all week. Proud? I am. It's the most intense workout I've ever done, but I feel so good about myself when it's over. We took before pictures and I can't wait to take my after pictures a couple months down the road and see the change! I've been trying to work the "depression weight" off for a few years now and it's finally time to put it behind me. We're only a week in, so it is going to be difficult to find the motivation every day, but that's where love and support from friends comes in!

Bible Study
I joined a new bible study a couple of weeks ago and I LOVE IT! God is doing some absolutely amazing things in my life right now, and I have never been this close to Him. Perry preached about our next steps a couple of weeks ago and that night I got on my knees and asked God to tell me what my next step was. It's amazing what He will tell you if you just ask. We are told throughout our lives that all we have to do is pray about things and it will get better. What I never realized until recently is that prayer should not be a monologue, but a dialogue as well. I've always talked to God without taking the time to listen to what He wants to tell me in return. Now that I've made a conscious effort to really communicate, He never stops speaking!

Nursing
There is nothing more important to me than knowing I am on the path that God has paved out for me. I'm at that point in my program that I am applying for summer externships and trying to get my name out there in preparation for job applications. It's crazy to think that after all of this, I will be a nurse in less than a year. I am so worried that I will not get one of the externships that I applied for, but I am trying to trust that God already knows my summer plans (and the plans for my future career, for that matter) and He has it under control. All that matters is that I do what He commands and trust that He will continue to pave the way.

Relationships
Oh boy. When I started putting myself out there and making new friends last year, I never prepared myself for all the ups and downs of friendship. I have made SO many new friends with so many amazing people, and with that comes the vulnerability that I may get hurt. Trust has always been an issue for me, which is why I have trouble realizing that just because there is disappointment and conflict doesn't mean you just quit. True friendship is about working through the conflict and coming out on the other side with a better understanding than when you entered. It's about accepting each other for who you are and being supportive even when you don't understand. With everything that has happened recently, I can't help but wonder if God is trying to teach me two lessons. One in trust and one in forgiveness.

Procrastination...

I really don't feel like studying right now, so in order to get some brain juices flowing I suppose I'll keep things up to date in regards to my life. Thursday we went to Headstart where we got to do complete physicals on around 30 kids! That was a great day. That afternoon six of the other nursing girls came over to watch A Beautiful Mind. Since we missed a clinical day due to the snow, we had to watch a psych-related movie and write a summary. At least it was a good excuse to all hang out and have fun! We ate lots of Squirms, which made it a good afternoon.

On Friday I was on the labor and delivery unit, which was AWESOME. I got to see an epidural and a vaginal delivery! Caring for those newborns right after the deliveries was such a great experience. It amazes me that I witnessed the first moments of someone's life. That baby has his entire life ahead of him. He can be anything he wants to be, go anywhere he wants to go, and do anything he wants to do. You know what the coolest part is? God already knows exactly what He's doing with that baby boy.

Friday night my friend Stephanie came up to Tiger Town! We met KD at TD's, ate some good food, and had some really great laughs! We weren't quite ready to call it an evening yet, so we stopped at Spill the Beans and ate way too much ice cream. It was great to just relax and have a good conversation with two people who mean so much to me!

Yesterday (Saturday) was a pretty amazing day. Stephanie and I woke up around 9:40, despite our efforts to sleep late. We moved our pillows and blankets to the couch and watched The Sound of Music all afternoon! Even though I had to multi-task and study for my peds test, It really was the best afternoon I've had in a while! I love The Sound of Music :). After the movie I had to get ready for my date! After trying on at least 4 different outfits and 7 shades of lipstick, I headed downtown to meet him! I had a really great time, and he exceeded all of my expectations. Basically, I can't wait until next weekend when I can see him again!

I guess I'm out of things to update, so I suppose I have to study now. Wish me luck this week with my tests (notice that was plural)!!

Silver white winters that melt into spring

I don't have anything philosophical to say in today's entry. All I can say right now is that I am perfectly, supremely, sublimely happy! Ever since Monday when I felt Jesus speak to my heart more clearly than He ever has, I have seen the world in a completely different way. I have learned to appreciate EVERYTHING that the Lord has blessed me with, which is something I always assumed I had done, but it turns out I never really have before. I lay in my bed last night and praised Jesus that I had a bed to sleep in, three blankets keeping me warm, walls and a roof to keep me safe, and somewhere meaningful to go when I wake. For reasons unknown to me, not everyone is blessed with these things. For some reason, God chose me. How ungrateful would it be for me to take these gifts and not use them for great things? For years I believed I was incapable of doing great things. I thought everyone else had something I didn't. Now I realize that it's just the opposite. I have something someone else doesn't have. The same goes for everyone. Jesus entrusts different gifts to different people, meaning that each person is just as valuable as another. If we don't use those gifts, no one else can completely fill the spot in God's plan that He reserved for each of us.

I'm sitting here cross-legged on my bed wearing my nursing scrubs and listening to the soundtrack to The Sound of Music and praising Jesus for this moment. When you truly realize that EVERYTHING comes from God, you start to appreciate even these small moments. My prayer today is that this new-found awareness never goes away.

This video pretty much sums up the fact that we don't know why God distributes blessings the way that He does, but we just have to trust that He knows what He's doing.

Out of the darkness and into the light!

For the past several years, I have been hanging out in a dark room. The walls are covered with snapshots of my past, all the things that have ever torn me down. I've spent my time hanging up new snapshots, ones I've forgotten or ones I resurfaced just to remind myself that I will never be any more than that. Occasionally I will step out into the hall for some fresh air. I will momentarily forget about this dark room I've left behind, but I always go back.

Something inside me changed today. I have stepped out of the dark room and am confidently walking down the hallway toward the brightly lit doorway at the end of the corridor. I had my psychiatric clinical today, and those few hours we spent there gave me an entirely new perspective on life. I have never seen so many troubled people in one place before. Each person had a story, a dark room that they too were hiding out in. My heart broke for them, knowing that I could not coax them out myself.

One woman's story had a particularly significant impact on me. While I can't reveal the details, I can say that as I was listening to her story, I began to realize just how much I have taken for granted in my life. Not only do I have a car to drive, an apartment to live in, and food to eat. Even more importantly, I have people who love me, a career path I'm passionate about, and my sanity. I'd been so busy hanging up snapshots of bad memories and heartache that I failed to notice the ones being hung outside in the hallway. I've created at least a year's worth of beautiful, happy, life-altering memories that I have failed to recognize up until this point.

At one point in the conversation, I asked her to tell me more about her depression. She looked at me and said "That's right, because you wouldn't know what that feels like." That comment cut straight through me like a knife. I do know what that feels like. That's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. For the first time in the history of my life, I was able to separate my past from my present. I was able to put my old issues aside and focus on the current issues of someone else. I was transformed from the girl who needed someone to listen to the girl who was listening to someone who needed it.

There are so many more things I could share about what I've realized today, but I've probably already lost you in this textbook of an entry! Basically, today is the day I have decided to experience joy in the new life that God has given me. I will no longer hang snapshots of my past to remind me of the hard times, but I will begin a collage of my new memories to remind me that I have a new life in Christ.

What is your next step?

Today was a beautiful day.

I went to Newspring this morning with my brother and my friend Amy. The service was AMAZING! Then I took my brother to CiCi's Pizza for lunch. I couldn't bring myself to go inside with such glorious weather, so KD and I spent the rest of the afternoon out on Bowman "studying". I am capping off the evening with a little bit of blogging and iTunes!


God pressed something into me today at the service. Have you ever looked at someone successful and wished you could be like them? Until recently, I saw everyone around me as "that type" of person that could accomplish things. I thought it was some sort of gene that I somehow didn't acquire. I thought these things just happened for them because life was just on their side. I was content to watch from the bleachers because I thought that's where I belonged and I had reached my potential.

What I have recently realized, however, is that I have SO much more potential than I could ever imagine. Jesus didn't create me to watch others make something of themselves. He created me to do something with my life. There's one catch, though. I have to actually WORK for it. Perry used the story of David to illustrate this point. He explained that David was a shepherd who loved his sheep. When a lion or a bear came in and took one of his sheep, he didn't stay in the pen. Instead, he went AFTER the sheep. He had to take action. No matter how scary, no matter how hopeless, no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, he did it. If he had stayed in the sheep pen, he never would have reached the potential that God created him to reach. It turns out that God was testing and preparing David for his battle with Goliath.

What if David had the same mindset that we do sometimes? What if he said "I can't go after that sheep. I'm not brave enough." or "I can't fight Goliath. That other guy over there is a much better warrior." If he had made those excuses, he would have been passing up his opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He would have been wasting the gift that God prepared for him.

For David, it was leaving the sheep pen. For me, it was rising above my depression and starting over. It was going out of my comfort zone to spend time with new people. It was trusting that I had what it takes to do nursing school. It was accepting my weaknesses and discovering my strengths. It was finally learning to love myself. It was having the courage to get help.

If I hadn't "stepped out of the pen", I would never know what kind of things God has planned for me. I have so many dreams for my future as a nurse, and the only way I can accomplish them is to take Jesus by the hand and go for it! I can't sit around and pray that things come my way. I can't wake up one morning and be a nurse. In order to be the person Jesus created me to be, I have to live the way Jesus created me to live. I have to take the steps He has paved for me.

Do you feel like you have greater potential? You won't reach it unless you step out from where you are. Ask God what He wants you to do and then do it! It starts with a decision to take action.

Five Question Friday: Bonefish anyone?

Guess what? It's Friday!! You know what that means. Actually, you may not know what that means. For me, however, it means I get a long weekend of reading, studying, and hanging out with awesome people! My little brother Zachary is coming tonight. Well, he's 19. He's still little to me, though. He won't be here until around 7:00, and since I got out of clinical early today I've spent the entire day in bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Productive, right? So in an attempt to give you guys something interesting to read, I'm going to try out this whole blog hopping thing. My cousin Brittan from A Babbling Brunette told me I should try it out, so here it goes!

For the first time in the history of my blog, it's Five Question Friday!




1. If you had $1000 to donate to a charity, which would you chose?
Hmm. This one's a hard one, because there are so many amazing charities out there. Honestly, I would probably just give it to Newspring. I trust that they would use it for something good, and that's all that really matters.

2. Snow days: Do you welcome them happily or are they a pain in your butt?
Honestly, I despise snow days. I love to look out the window and see the snow covering the ground, and it's even more beautiful when it's still falling. However (and this is a big however), it keeps me from having a productive day and stepping outside of my apartment. Not to mention, I feel obligated to venture out into the frigid wonderland and build a snowman. This ultimately leads to me being cold and wet, which is not a pleasant combination. On the plus side, it's the perfect excuse to sit around watching movies and indulging myself in grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Yummmm.

 This snowman is the best I could do before making a mad dash for a hot shower.

3. What talent did you wish you had and why?
Oh, how I wish I could sing! It's probably my favorite thing to do, but frankly, it just isn't pleasant. I commend myself for my determination, though. I do attempt to hit each note.

4. Are you a news, politics or celebrity gossip junkie?
While this is terribly lame, I have to go with neither. I don't watch the news, because it either makes me depressed or doesn't concern me at all. I don't care about politics, because they frustrate me. Finally, I don't follow celebrity gossip because I really couldn't care less about Taylor Swift's dating life. I'm so out of the loop on celebrity gossip that it took me several minutes to even think of an example to use.

5. What is your favorite "cocktail"?
If we're talking alcoholic, I have to say either a pomegranate martini from Bonefish Grill or a Sex on the Beach from anywhere. I'm not much of a drinker anymore, though, so I'll go ahead and name my favorite non-alcoholic "cocktail" as well. Not very exciting, I'm afraid...I'll take some sweet tea.

Oh, how He loves us

Hi, it's me again. I feel that I need an introduction since it has been an entire month since I've posted an entry. The past month has been...educational (for lack of a better word). I survived the month away from Clemson and assumed it would be smooth sailing once I got back. I should have known better. What I did not know was that God had something planned. He always schedules life-altering revelations during the most inconvenient times. Since he is God, though, I am going along with it.

Those of you who have read previous entries know that I have had a long-time struggle with depression and anxiety. I am happy to say that I have been living in freedom for a year now, and I have every reason to thank Jesus for that. However, every now and then the old thoughts swim their way up through my sub-conscience and start making themselves at home. In times like these, I can feel God calling me closer to Him.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that triggered it, but sometime last week I was finding myself falling again. I was unable to focus on anything else, and I began to panic. Why does this always happen? No matter how many times I fight it, it keeps coming back. What if it never goes away? Will I ever be normal? I went back to my apartment, got face-down on the floor, and I talked to Jesus (yes, out loud). 

I asked Him these questions and I begged Him to help me. I told Him that I am tired of depending on others for my happiness and security. I wanted to depend on Him alone. I wanted to surrender everything to Him and forget about my past. I wanted to start fresh.

You don't have to be a follower of Jesus very long before you realize that when you ask a question, you better be prepared for the answer. The next morning, I opened up my devotional and my bible. Here are the things Jesus put on my heart:

1) Let go of your dependencies.
In a world with so many insecurities, it is so easy to be dependent upon others. We depend on them for approval, for comfort, and for attention. We want so badly for someone to love us that we devote all of our time and energy into pleasing them. We set unrealistic expectations of others and get disappointed when they aren't met. I've come to realize that instead of looking to other people for security, I should be looking to Jesus. He is ALWAYS there. He will NEVER leave me. More than anything, He UNCONDITIONALLY loves me. I don't have to work for His love. He did all the work for me. In a world that is continuously changing, He remains constant. If we can't find security in that, where can we find it?

2) Let go of your past.
Of all the things that I have no control over, the most permanent is my past. No matter how much my life has turned around over the last year, I can't seem to erase everything else. I have made so many mistakes, witnessed so many things, and built up so much guilt that I am haunted by the way my life used to be. With each step I take toward the future, I hear a voice inside my head saying "...but remember where you came from. You'll never make it." Until now, I've listened to that voice. I've allowed that voice to shatter my dreams and lower my potential to the level of ordinary. What I have realized, though, is that Jesus doesn't want our lives to be ordinary. He wants us to be extraordinary! He has COMPLETELY forgiven our pasts. In fact, He can only see our future. If we are focused on the past and He is focused on the future, we are not walking with Him, but against Him. In order to truly walk side by side, we must allow ourselves to leave our past behind us and CONFIDENTLY step toward the future that God has planned for us.

As simple as these lessons sound, I have never felt the weight of them as much as I have over the last week. God is going to pound these words into my head until I listen, because He is loving and persistent. If there is something you struggle with on a routine basis, perhaps you should ask God what He is trying to teach you. The fact that He will pursue you until you listen demonstrates just how much He loves us.

 On second thought, here's a little something from my past!